Re: MCNGP Constitution, According to Kat

From: catwalker63 (catwalker63_at_gmail.com)
Date: 07/01/04 

Date: 30 Jun 2004 21:29:31 -0700

"Kat" <mistyNOFRIGGENSPAM@flynt.org> wrote in message news:<eYQF0zlXEHA.2840@TK2MSFTNGP11.phx.gbl>...
> We the People of the Microsoft Newsgroup, in Order to form a more perfect . . .
> promotion they deserve.

Nice job!

Here are some fee guidelines for when you've got that certification:

New Tech Support Fees:

*Calling me with a question - $10
*Calling me with a stupid question - $30
*Calling me with a stupid question you can't quite articulate - $50
*Implying I'm incompetent because I can't interpret your inarticulate
problem description - $1000 + punitive damages
*Questions received via phone without first trying help desk - $50
*Questions where answer is in TFM (The @#$% Manual) - $100.00
*Calling me back with the same problem after I fix it once - $100
*Insisting that you're not breaking the software, the problem is on my
end somehow - $200
*Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem - $25/step
*Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem - $50/mile +
gas
*If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody
else's problem - $170/hr
*If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now - $250/hr
*If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it - $60/hr
*If you've come to ask me why something isn't working while I'm
currently working on it - $270/hr
*If you're asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday -
$175/hr
*If you're asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday,
but never did fix - $85/hr
*If you're asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didn't work
- $95/hr
*If you're bugging me while there's another admin in the room who
could have done it for you -$150/hr
*Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving
immediately after hanging up the phone - $1500.00
*Calling up with a problem which "everybody" in the office is having
and which is "stopping all work." Not being there when I rush over to
look at it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it. -
$1700.00
*Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning
it's your personal machine at home - $500.00
*Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do - $150.00
*Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you
not to do - $300.00
*Not telling all of your co-workers about it - $850.00
*Me figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive -
$50.00
*BEFORE I order your replacement hard drive - $250.00
*Me fixing your "broken" mouse with a mousepad - $25.00
*Me fixing your "broken" mouse by cleaning the rollers - $50.00
*Me fixing your "broken" printer with an ink/toner cartridge - $35.00
*Me fixing your "broken" ANYTHING with the power button - $250.00
*Me fixing the "hung" system by plugging the ethernet drop back in -
 $375.00
*Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your index finger -
$25
*Installing programs without informing me / getting permission first -
$100 per program
*Technical support for the above programs - $150 per hour (regardless
of whether I know the program or not)
*Spilling coke on keyboard - $25 plus cost of keyboard
*Spilling coke on monitor - $50 plus cost of monitor
*Spilling coke on CPU - $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly
rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system
*Bringing in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities v1.0 to
fix a brand new machine - $200
*Me Spending 30 minutes trying to figure out what your problem is, and
another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you
say..."So that's what the little box that popped up on my screen was
telling me to do!" - $40
*Me Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to
see if you are plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying
five other things, asking you to identify your plug type, listening to
you drag furniture, and hearing a sheepish, "Oops. Nevermind." - $35
(including discount for polite apology)
*Dealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated software -
$25
     
Special Rates:
*Dealing with user not familiar with the primary language spoken at
site - $150.00/hour
*Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but
still calls every other day for help - $300.00/hour
*Dealing with computer hobbyists - $500.00/hour
*Questioning the other prices - $50

These are old, I know, but I love them. I've forgotten where I got
them.

Enjoy but use at your own risk! <eg>

catwalker